Visiting Kenneth Gergen

How could highly educated people in Pennsylvania end up fighting at a simple information meeting about coronavirus? Kenneth J. Gergen shakes his head as he recounts the episode he witnessed.

“It is not enough to bring people together. Dialogue must be supported and structured. Relationships must be built systematically,” he says.

It's not just anyone I have a lunch meeting with in Pennsylvania.

Kenneth J. Gergen is a professor of psychology at Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania, USA, founder of the Taos Institute, adjunct professor at Tilburg University, and honorary professor at the University of Buenos Aires. He has received countless honors, and his books have been translated into many languages, including Danish.

He has facilitated dialogue meetings between political opponents and has special knowledge of how to facilitate these meetings so that participants can build relationships with each other.

As I sit in his extremely beautiful home, which is filled with art, I absorb every single word he says.

Without a framework, most dialogues will end in a dead end, he says. That is why adults are fighting at the coronavirus meeting.

He has read quite a bit about me and my work, so I think he knows that I have been on Dancing with the Stars, as he starts comparing dialogical tools with dance (no, he didn't know that).

There are countless ways to move, he says. Together, we name the different dances: Tango could be an emotional dialogue. Samba could be one where humor is at the center. Partner dancing could be a debate, for example. The point is that there is no one way to dance. That is why dialogue also requires many different tools.

The second thing is that we often have a weak relationship with those we disagree with, he says. Therefore, before talking about what divides us, it is crucial to focus on what unites us: our values. What matters to me and to you. In this way, we learn something about the other person, which helps to break down prejudices and ultimately allows us to live together despite our differences, he says.

His experience is that, in general, one should not talk about principles. Because it kills dialogue and is extremely difficult to argue against.

But when you have built up a strong enough relationship over time, you can also take up any difficult topic and talk about it without demonizing each other.

BUT, says the professor, with deep seriousness. Trump makes politics personal and attacks people personally. This means that relationships break down. It is dangerous for a democracy when population groups are turned into enemies. He has never before seen the US so polarized.

Leaders must not divide, and citizens must be helped and supported in the dialogue.

I am so honored that Kenneth has taken the time to meet with me. As I say goodbye to him after a wonderful lunch and incredibly enriching conversation, he tells me that he has spoken with his friends in Denmark, and they said that what I was doing with Brobyggerne was really good.

I try to control myself, but I can hardly contain my excitement at receiving praise from Kenneth J. Gergen himself!